Rhymes with Radium

One day in high school, I showed up to my AP English class to find a substitute teacher. Sporting a platinum beehive and a sassy pant suit, she quickly wrote her name on the blackboard: Mrs. Wadium.

Then she chirped, "My name isn't Wah-dium, and it's not Wa-dee-um. It's Wadium. And if you can say radium and you can say stadium then you can say Wadium." A few polite chuckles followed. 

Then she did it. During roll she called, "Chris Cat-is." I couldn't help myself. I replied, "My name isn't Cat-is and it's not Kate-is. If you can say Matisse and you can say Baptiste, then you can say Katis." Now that got a laugh from my classmates.

Recently, I was telling my friend, Robert, about this escapade. All I said was, "My name isn't Wah-dium" and he said, "Oh my God! I know that woman."

And in a moment of truly brilliant one upmanship, Robert shared his own run in with Mrs. Wadium.

She was long-term subbing for a teacher out on maternity leave. One day, just before class started, Robert hatched a plan and passed a note around the room alerting his fellow students that at 10:40 he was going to have a fake seizure.

True to his word - and clearly paying more attention to the clock than to the day's lesson - at 10:40 he fell to the ground convulsing.  What he hadn't planned for (along with a way to end the prank) was that at the exact time of his premeditated seizure, the vice principal was walking by the room and saw the entire performance.

Rushing into the class, the vice principal sprung into action, making sure someone called 911.  This deep into the situation, Robert couldn't very well sit up and announce he was all better. And for some reason, none of his classmates felt it appropriate to alert the vice principal that it was all just some kid's shenanigans. Instead, an ambulance arrived, and he was whisked off to the emergency room.

A CT scan and MRI later, he was released from the hospital. The source of his seizures a medical mystery.

Jeez, all I did was teach the woman the correct pronunciation of my surname.